i'd give up forever to kiss you...
i don't always feel like i can breathe.
and i can't always sleep at night.
and sometimes the tiniest thing can make me feel like everything is crumbling down, because i'm really only pretending to be happy. well, i'm kind of happy. i'm mostly happy. i like who i am, but i don't like where i am, and i feel trapped here a lot of the time, but i'm where i am because i'm afraid that i can't do any better. i'm in it for the money, because i like the things that it can do. i like the things that it could bring me. i like the idea of my profound freedom, the idea of travelling and having the things that are really important to me.
but in ten years, will i look back and think that i've wasted my youth waiting for... whatever i'm waiting for?
i don't want to be the person who gives up time with her friends and crazy adventures and unbelievable stories for LED lights and the idea that it won't get better than this. am i crazy to want something more than this? am i crazy to believe that there's more to life than this?
and then there's the fact that i'm crazy about someone, and i don't really know what to make of that. my heart tells me to just carry on at full speed, unapologetic and devoted, but my head tells me to be cautious. maybe my heart tells me that i've already been hurt enough, but i think it more likely that my heart just blazes lovingly on.
she's got this idea in her head that maybe this year will be better, that maybe despite her overwhelming pickiness, this might be the year that she doesn't remain alone. she's even, i'd go so far as to wager, got her heart set on me. and i may never be a safe bet, but i'm always the best one. i make her happy, and really, that's the rub... because she makes me happy, too. happy like... you didn't realize that there was something missing until the other person came along, and all of a sudden, someone gets you, really gets you, doesn't just accept you and love you like you are. gets you. knows what makes you tick, knows what makes your skin crawl, knows how to keep talking when you're upset so that you go back to just being you again. would cut off their arm in a bargain for your happiness. maybe even just for your smile.
and i want this. i want her smile, perpetually. i want her touch, her secrets. i want to know that each day of her life is a little bit happier because she's thought of me, or listened to a cd i sent her, or reading something that i wrote her. i want her to have a million brilliantly wonderful memories to fall back on, and i would go out of my way to create as many of those as possible. i want to memorize the path her tongue takes against my lips, the sound of her voice when she whispers, wake up in the morning and tell her about my dreams, whether raunchy and fabulous or terrible and frightful. i want to capture the feeling of slowly falling in love with her, tattoo it on my skin, inject it into every nerve cell in my body, hide it away and carry it with me forever. i want this feeling to last forever, and sometimes i wonder if perhaps it will, as this is not exhilerating rush so much as it is peace and calm, belonging.
belonging. to the perpetually homeless, this is new, beautiful, priceless. sometimes the tenderness makes me want to weep, out of all too strong joy. i am at home and i am so blissful that i could cry. i could hold on forever, and i could cry.
and i can't always sleep at night.
and sometimes the tiniest thing can make me feel like everything is crumbling down, because i'm really only pretending to be happy. well, i'm kind of happy. i'm mostly happy. i like who i am, but i don't like where i am, and i feel trapped here a lot of the time, but i'm where i am because i'm afraid that i can't do any better. i'm in it for the money, because i like the things that it can do. i like the things that it could bring me. i like the idea of my profound freedom, the idea of travelling and having the things that are really important to me.
but in ten years, will i look back and think that i've wasted my youth waiting for... whatever i'm waiting for?
i don't want to be the person who gives up time with her friends and crazy adventures and unbelievable stories for LED lights and the idea that it won't get better than this. am i crazy to want something more than this? am i crazy to believe that there's more to life than this?
and then there's the fact that i'm crazy about someone, and i don't really know what to make of that. my heart tells me to just carry on at full speed, unapologetic and devoted, but my head tells me to be cautious. maybe my heart tells me that i've already been hurt enough, but i think it more likely that my heart just blazes lovingly on.
she's got this idea in her head that maybe this year will be better, that maybe despite her overwhelming pickiness, this might be the year that she doesn't remain alone. she's even, i'd go so far as to wager, got her heart set on me. and i may never be a safe bet, but i'm always the best one. i make her happy, and really, that's the rub... because she makes me happy, too. happy like... you didn't realize that there was something missing until the other person came along, and all of a sudden, someone gets you, really gets you, doesn't just accept you and love you like you are. gets you. knows what makes you tick, knows what makes your skin crawl, knows how to keep talking when you're upset so that you go back to just being you again. would cut off their arm in a bargain for your happiness. maybe even just for your smile.
and i want this. i want her smile, perpetually. i want her touch, her secrets. i want to know that each day of her life is a little bit happier because she's thought of me, or listened to a cd i sent her, or reading something that i wrote her. i want her to have a million brilliantly wonderful memories to fall back on, and i would go out of my way to create as many of those as possible. i want to memorize the path her tongue takes against my lips, the sound of her voice when she whispers, wake up in the morning and tell her about my dreams, whether raunchy and fabulous or terrible and frightful. i want to capture the feeling of slowly falling in love with her, tattoo it on my skin, inject it into every nerve cell in my body, hide it away and carry it with me forever. i want this feeling to last forever, and sometimes i wonder if perhaps it will, as this is not exhilerating rush so much as it is peace and calm, belonging.
belonging. to the perpetually homeless, this is new, beautiful, priceless. sometimes the tenderness makes me want to weep, out of all too strong joy. i am at home and i am so blissful that i could cry. i could hold on forever, and i could cry.
posted by overeducated, underpaid @ 10:53 PM
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